Who this is for
This guide is for kindred leaders, study group hosts, and festival organizers of any gender who want their gatherings to be places where women are safe, heard, and credited.
Most of the people who write to us about this are men who lead inclusive kindreds, mean well, and have noticed that women come once or twice and do not return. If that is you, thank you for noticing. What follows is drawn from nearly ten years of listening to the women who left.
Start by looking
Before changing anything, find out how things are. At your next two gatherings, quietly keep count.
- Who speaks in discussion, and for how long?
- Who is interrupted, and by whom?
- Who led the rite? Who has never led one?
- Who cooked, cleaned, and looked after the children?
- Who was thanked by name?
- Which newcomers were spoken to, and which stood at the edge?
You may not enjoy the result. Almost nobody does the first time. That is the point of counting.
Before a gathering
- Adopt a code of conduct and tell people about it in the invitation. The Frith Standard is free to use.
- Name two frithkeepers, not both men, whom anyone can approach.
- Draw up a schedule for cooking, cleaning, and childcare that includes everyone able to help.
- Plan for children. If parents are welcome, say what provision there is.
- Describe the venue honestly: steps, distances, restrooms, sleeping arrangements.
- Provide a drink without alcohol for blot and symbel, in a vessel of equal dignity.
- Ask a woman to lead the rite, or part of it, if women rarely have. Ask well in advance, not on the day.
During a gathering
- Open by reading the code and introducing the frithkeepers.
- Greet every newcomer personally, and see that someone sits with them.
- Use a round. In discussion, go around the circle so that each person is invited to speak in turn. It is the single most effective change a group can make.
- Ask "What do you think?" and not "Do you agree?"
- Stop interruptions, kindly and at once: "I think she had not finished."
- Watch the fire late at night. Most trouble happens after the formal part is over and the drinking has gone on. Frithkeepers should stay sober and stay up.
- Thank people by name at symbel, beginning with those whose work was least visible.
After a gathering
- Follow up with newcomers within a week.
- Ask for honest feedback, and make it possible to give it privately.
- Record any concern that was raised and what was done about it.
- Notice who did not come back, and, if it is appropriate, ask them why. Then believe the answer.
When a concern is raised
Sooner or later someone will tell you that another member has behaved badly toward her. How you respond in the first five minutes will decide whether anyone ever tells you anything again.
- Thank her for telling you. It was hard to do.
- Listen without arguing. You are not yet deciding anything. Do not defend the other person, explain what was probably meant, or ask how much anyone had been drinking.
- Ask what she needs in order to feel safe now.
- Tell her what will happen next, and then do exactly that.
- Do not ask her to keep the peace. She did not break it.
The full procedure is set out in section 8 of the Frith Standard. Our frithkeeper training is free and is offered twice a year.
Common questions
We are a small group of friends. Do we really need a written code?
Yes, and small groups need it most. In a group of friends, raising a concern means risking every friendship at once, so people stay silent. A written code and a named frithkeeper give a quiet person somewhere to go.
The person accused is one of our founders. What do we do?
Do not handle it yourselves. Ask frithkeepers from another group that keeps the Standard to hear the matter. If you do not know of one, write to us and we will help you find one.
Our women say they are happy to do the cooking.
They may be. Offer the schedule anyway, and offer the rite as well. It is hard to know what someone would choose until she has been given a choice.
Are you saying our kindred is sexist?
No. We are saying that habits are powerful and mostly invisible to the people who benefit from them. Good intentions are the beginning, and attention is the rest.